Caregiving
Questions to Ask Aging Parents Before There's a Crisis
Some families first go looking for Dad's insurance card or Mom's list of medicines in a hospital hallway. A nurse asks for the cardiologist's name and nobody knows it. Someone asks whether there is a health care proxy, and three siblings give three different answers.
You can collect most of those answers months earlier, over coffee, while your parent is well. Thanksgiving and the long December visits put many families at the same table, so this is a good season to start.
This post is a list of questions to ask aging parents and a plan for writing the answers down. It doesn't tell anyone what to decide. A will, a power of attorney or a medical directive is your parent's choice, made under the rules of their state, with whatever professional help they want. Your part is to learn what exists and where it is kept, then put that on paper.
Why ask now
The National Institute on Aging puts conversation first: "Having meaningful conversations with your loved ones is the most important part of advance care planning." Its checklist for getting affairs in order says the same about papers: "You don't need to discuss your personal affairs, but someone you trust should know where to find your papers in case of an emergency."
So your parent can keep the will's contents private. The family still needs to know the will exists and which drawer it's in.
How to open the conversation
Pick a quiet moment with one parent or both, away from the full dinner table. A drive or a quiet morning works better than dessert.
- Start with your own papers. "I'm putting together a binder for our house so the kids know where things are. Would you want one too?"
- Take one area at a time. Doctors one day, papers another. You don't need everything this visit.
- Ask where, and skip how much. "Where do you keep the insurance policies?" is easier to answer than a question about amounts.
- Ask before you write. "Is it all right if I jot this down?" keeps your parent in charge of their own information.
The NIA suggests starting small, for example "talking with your loved ones about what you appreciate and enjoy most about life."
The questions, by topic
Treat these as a menu. Pick what fits your family and save the rest for another visit.
Where the papers are
The NIA's list of important records includes the "Location of most up-to-date will with an original signature," the "Location of original deed of trust for home," and the "Location of safe deposit box and key."
- Do you have a will or a trust? Where is the signed original?
- Which attorney helped with it, and how do we reach them?
- Where are the deed, the car titles and the insurance policies?
- Where are your birth and marriage certificates and any military discharge papers?
- Is there a safe deposit box? At which bank, and where is the key?
- Where are last year's tax return and the checkbook?
If your parent already keeps everything in one folder, write down where that folder lives and move on.
Doctors, medicines and insurance
- Who are your doctors? Name, practice and phone for each, including specialists and the dentist.
- Which pharmacy do you use?
- What do you take now, and is there a current list we can copy?
- Where are your Medicare, Medicaid or other insurance cards?
Our post on medical binder printables goes further into medication lists and appointment logs.
Who you trust to speak for you
This group is the most delicate. Ask what exists, and leave the choice of a person to your parent.
The NIA describes a health care proxy as "a person who can make health care decisions for you if you are unable to communicate these yourself," named in a document called a durable power of attorney for health care. On the money side, the CFPB explains that a family member can name someone to help manage money or property "in case they're unable to" through a power of attorney.
- Have you named anyone to make health care decisions if you can't? Who?
- Does that person have a copy? Where is the original?
- Does your doctor know who that person is?
- Have you named anyone for financial decisions? Who has that paper?
- Have you given your doctor or bank permission to talk with one of us?
That last question covers a separate step. The NIA notes that "Giving permission for your doctor or lawyer to talk with your caregiver is different from naming a health care proxy," and that "You may need to sign and return a form." A note of which offices have that permission on file saves phone calls later.
The NIA's page on choosing a proxy also says to "Make sure your proxy knows the names and contact information for your health care providers." If your parent has named someone, the doctors list above is what that person needs.
Accounts and bills
The CFPB says that "Millions of Americans manage money or property for a loved one who's unable to pay bills or make financial decisions." You can make a list without seeing a single balance.
- Which banks and credit unions do you use? Is any account joint?
- Which bills come by mail, and which pay themselves?
- Where does income come from: Social Security, a pension, retirement accounts?
- Who is your insurance agent, and who prepares your taxes?
- Is there a mortgage or a loan still being paid?
What matters to you
Some parents want to talk about this. Others prefer to write it themselves.
- What would you want us to know about your care if you were very sick?
- Have you written any of it down, or talked with your doctor about it?
- Do you have wishes about a service, burial or cremation? Is anything already arranged, and where are those papers?
The NIA says you can "Put your preferences in writing and give copies to your loved ones." For a parent who doesn't want to say it out loud, it mentions "writing a letter" as another way to share wishes.
Who to call first
The NIA suggests keeping "Names and phone numbers of close friends, relatives, doctors, lawyers, and financial advisors" with the other records. Ask who should get the first call, which neighbor sees them most often, and whether there is a faith contact. Our emergency contact list post covers the one-page version for the fridge.
What to write down, and what to leave off
Write the answers the same day, one page per topic, so next year you can update a single page.
Leave three things off on purpose:
- Full account, card or Social Security numbers. The last four digits identify an account.
- Passwords and PINs.
- The contents of the will or trust. You need to know it exists, who prepared it and where the original is.
Then agree on where the pages will live. The NIA's advice: "Tell someone you know and trust or a lawyer where to find your important papers."
Our Everything My Family Needs to Know binder post covers the seven areas families look for first. For the legal papers, the estate planning binder checklist explains each document in plain words and where its original usually lives.
When the answer is "I haven't done that"
Sometimes the answer is that nothing has been written down yet. Write that down too, with the date.
What happens next is your parent's decision, with help from people qualified to give it. Official starting points you can pass along:
- Health care documents. The NIA notes that "Most states provide the forms for free, and you can complete them yourself," and that "Discussing advance care planning with your doctor is free through Medicare during your annual wellness visit." Its downloadable "Advance Care Planning: A Conversation Guide" includes conversation tips and worksheets.
- Local help. The Eldercare Locator from the U.S. Administration for Community Living connects families with local services, including the Area Agency on Aging: 1-800-677-1116 by phone or text, or eldercare.acl.gov.
- Legal questions. The NIA points to your local bar association, which "can also help you find what free legal aid options your state has to offer."
- Managing money for someone. The CFPB's downloadable "Managing Someone Else's Money" guides cover people named in a power of attorney, court-appointed guardians, trustees and government fiduciaries.
If they don't want to talk
Some parents change the subject the first time and the second. That is their right. The NIA reminds readers that "Everyone approaches the process differently" and suggests taking it "one step at a time."
Offer to show them your own binder. Ask one small question on the next call, such as the name of the pharmacy. And when you do have answers, the NIA's timing for plans works for your pages too: "review your plans at least once each year and when any major life event occurs, like a divorce, move, or major change in your health."
If your worry is how your parent manages day to day, our aging parents checklist for a holiday visit covers what to notice around the house.
The pages to fill in together
The 84-page Home Binder Family Kit has a page for each group of questions above. "Legal Documents: Where They Stand" lists the will or trust, financial and health care powers of attorney, the living will, a HIPAA authorization and beneficiary designations, with columns for who prepared each one, the date signed, where the original is and who has a copy. It records where things are and contains no legal forms. The Everything My Family Needs to Know section adds "Where Things Are," "Who to Call First" and "My Wishes," and the Medical section has a Health Care Providers page.
To start with ten pages and a pen, the free Home Binder Starter includes a Master Document Inventory, an Emergency Contacts page and a Medical One-Pager, which cover the first questions on this list.
Sources: the National Institute on Aging (NIH) pages "Getting Your Affairs in Order Checklist: Documents to Prepare for the Future," "Advance Care Planning: Advance Directives for Health Care" and "Choosing A Health Care Proxy" at nia.nih.gov; the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau pages "Managing someone else's money" and "What is a fiduciary?" at consumerfinance.gov; and the Eldercare Locator at eldercare.acl.gov. Checked October 2026. An organizing guide, not legal, medical or financial advice.